Hello. Is there anyone still out there?

So, seven weeks have flown by since Little W was born and I still haven't posted... what's up with that? Well, I have one word for you, COL1C. and I have *almost* no idea how to fix it. Not having experienced it with DD, I am living a new slate every day and have been attempting everything that's been recommended by wiser women than I. Maybe she'll grow out of it soon? Anyway, have been not posting because I haven't wanted to whinge about dealing with Col1c. After all, Little W is the apple of my eye, now matter what behaviour she throws at me. She is gorgeous even if these early days are whipping my ass. Whatthef*ck said in a recent post "with kids, the days are long but the years are short" and never a more true word was said about it. I honestly am savouring little W's delectable newness as I surely know it won't last long. At 7 weeks, she is the size DD was at 16 weeks. Apart from size differences, to look back on DD's baby snaps, I can clearly see DD and little W are two peas in a pod. It is as if we cloned DD. I think I will be one of those Mums who can't tell their kids baby photos apart if they aren't dated or labeled.

Anyway, I have been reading along with you all in snatches and grabs of free time and also trying to master breastfeeding and blogging at the same time. So far I realise I can't feed and write/reply simultaneously. and the feeding has been a bit of a challenge (g0d, isn't breastfeeding always hard work?). Having broken my left arm and elbow last year and had reconstruction surgery on the elbow, I am very much aware that arm won't bend and yield in ways what would make feeding easier. and I worry about my supply being too low and all the other crap that breastfeeding for me brings up. (like, negative thoughts about my body... etc).

and so, instead of more whining, I finally give you some pics of my beautiful new baby. and shout out huge congratulations to all the other new babies of IF bloggers ( Bugsy, Marie-Baguette, Leggy, Thalia, Barren Mare, Kath, Karen, Bri, Michelle, Sparkle, Carol, welcome to the world babies!). I can't wait for all the other IF blogger babies to be born... and in Erin 's case I can't wait for her to be pregnant again and I am completely delighted and full of hope to read Rosepetal is pregnant again and I really hope this one's for keeps. You're all in my thoughts even if I am totally slack at posting or commenting these days...

It's a long, scary road to walk having a subsequent pregnancy and in real life I mostly minimalised and trivialised the pain I felt to avoid having to talk to anyone except DH about it, but now I am here with Little W happy, completely healthy and very much alive, and I am speechless at how good this feels. I've carried around a deep hurt and a darkness for a few years now but in these 7 weeks, I can feel good again. I don't like thinking Little W has a job to do, but I've got to admit just quietly and only here, she sure makes me feel a lot like my old self at times. I'm not quite there yet and I honestly think the old me is mostly gone for good, but Little W has certainly healed a big hurt in this old boiler's heart.

I'm as happy as a clam.

Firstly, apologies for posting my good news later than I had hoped. I was kept in hospital an extra day because the little baby girl (who shall now be known as W... which is a hint as to what her name is from that list I posted of possible names below) lost more weight than 'normal' (anything up to 10% of her birth weight) and wasn't nursing very well. She lost 490g / 1.08 pounds over the first 4 days. She initially wouldn't attach or show any interest in nursing because my milk was slow to come in, so it was a vicious cycle because it was making my milk even slower to arrive. Anyway, we had an extended stay in hospital until W gained back 100g. and I wasn't complaining because I'm exhausted.

The actual birth went without drama or problems. It was delayed because 2 women had to go ahead of me because they were having emergency caesareans, so W wasn't born until 10:46am, instead of our scheduled 9am delivery. I was completely convinced something was going to go wrong right up until she was handed to me about a minute after she was cut out and I saw with my own eyes that she was here and she was ok. It was a shock to be handed a minute old healthy, strong, lively baby ~something I didn't experience with my DD because of the placent*l abrupti*n etal with her birth. It still is a shock to look at W and realise I got really, really lucky this time around. I cannot believe just how lucky we are. She is perfect and gorgeous and alive. and looks very much like her Dad. I cried a lot holding her. DH cried and was too emotional to cut the cord as he had planned on doing. She was absolutely covered in thick vernix which looked like white butter AND she had the cord around her neck when she came out (just like DD) but it hadn't affected her adversely yet, which I am eternally going to be grateful for. I immediately started to think of all the what ifs and maybes and all I can come up with is, WE GOT VERY LUCKY, and she is ok. She weighed 3.980kg / 8.9 pounds and has a whisper of dark hair and darkish eyes and light olive skin.

A small few nurses/midwives remembered me from my many stays in that hospital over the years with DD, Rai.ner, early miscarriages and my cervix op. It was emotional for one of them to see me with our new baby after everything that had happened before W. That midwife is also the hospital's gri.ef counsellor and I often had remembered the night after Rai.ner was born crying inconsolably to her in the wee hours of the morning and her actually listening to my ranting gibberish and raw hurt. I learnt that sometime last year she started up a support group for women who had suffered a sti.ll birth to help them through a subsequent preg.nancy and all the angst that comes with it. It's a pity I didn't know about it earlier. I would have definitely been up for it. That midwife also told me that on Tuesday night 2 women lost their babies in the labour ward down the end of the floor I was on. One at 26 weeks and the other hours after birth. I didn't ask what happened. It was all too much to take in. At the time I wished she hadn't shared that news with me. It broke through my happiness like a knife and has played on my mind ever since. It's hard hearing about such things at the scene of one's own tragedy. News like that hurts anyway, any day but, on Tuesday I wanted to be wrapped up in my own bliss with W and wanted to forget everything that had gone before her. I wanted to believe in the miracles and forget about the tragedies. I'm going to keep in touch with that midwife. She's a gem. I might even tell her about all of you someday. She's gay and in her early 60s and is as lovely as can be.

I'm going to post pictures of W when DH downloads some for me. I haven't had a chance to pour though photos or hardly breathe. DD is being a bit over the top with excitement and anticipation of all the things to come. Our dog dug her way out of our backyard on Sunday night and was missing until Monday evening when my Dad found her at a pound many, many miles away. I was a puddle of tears about the dog. I couldn't imagine how DD would cope with the news that she was gone. She's DD's little pup. and I thought it would be too much to ask of DD to accept her dog had disappeared at the same time as a new baby's arrival along with the house move. I worried about DD and her dog. I felt helpless not being able to get up and go look for her. It's another lucky break that the dog turned up so soon and not injured in any way.

Now I think I better go buy a lotto ticket. Me thinks I'm on a winning streak.

Much love to you all and many thanks for all your kind thoughts and lovely messages. We know we hit the jackpot and couldn't be happier.

I wish this happiness of a healthy newborn baby cooing in your arms to all my fellow IF and loss bloggers.

If only this is ALL we had all experienced the first place. What a world that would be.

xClare

10 hours from now...

well it's 11pm Thursday night here, and that means the caesarean is in only 10 hours time. OMG. It is very hard to believe I am now so close. It doesn't feel real yet. I am nervous and anxious and don't think I will get much sleep tonight. I have butterflies in my stomach...or maybe it's more of a knot.

I asked DH about guest-posting for me here when it's all happened but he declined. He said he would rather not intrude on this private space of mine. So, sadly, that means you will all have to wait until Tuesday or Wednesday for an update because I am expecting to not be released from hospital in under 4 or 5 nights stay.

Wish me luck and I'll update as soon as I physically can.

and thank you all for holding me in your thoughts and carrying me through my worries. You guys are worth a million.

xClare

doing things slowly, slowly,

Yesterday I bought a Pram off eb@y and this morning we finally dragged DD's old cot out of the garage and put it together again (for the 1st time in 2 years). This evening I sorted some bags of clothes that I had saved from DD and put aside the newborn stuff to wash tomorrow. DH bought a box of disposable nappies and some wipes when he went to the supermarket a few hours ago. On Friday DH installed the baby capsu.le in our car.

With only 4 and a half days more to go until the ceasarean on Friday, I think we are finally STARTING to get ourselves and the nursery ready for the baby. Yes, we have been very slow to do all that needs to be done, but I don't think DH and I can still fully imagine this all going to plan and getting the take-home baby we have longed for and ttc for these last years. After I lost our last baby I got rid of most of our 'little' baby items (like DD's pram, a 'newborn' bassinet, bottles, breast pump, sling, bibs, wraps, baby blankets, bunny rugs and g0d knows what else I chucked out in a fit of grief and turmoil). I honestly gave up saving our baby items because I got to the point where I didn't believe we would ever conceive again and having all that baby stuff around made me feel sad on a sometimes daily basis.

And I have been very reluctant to fill the house with baby stuff before I actually get my baby safely out of my faulty body and feel confident that she is healthy and alive and coming home to live with us. [Holy crap, is that an understatement or what?].

Anyway, not to say I am feeling anymore confident about what is in store for us this week, just letting you know I am softening on my stance about getting ready too quickly and letting myself look at little tiny sleepers and onesies and booties and slowly, slowly imagining what glorious things will be waiting for us if we get real lucky and get to have our new, little DD in our lives forever.

I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to have the pain of another DB in our lives. I want my baby girl to live. I want everything to be OK on Friday. I want to trust my body can look after her another 4 and a half days until her timely arrival. I want to know I made the right choice, that letting her stay inside an extra week was the right decision. I don't want any more regrets and guilt about being such a failure at this baby thing.

I want a happy ending to my fertility saga.

and I'll keep all my fingers and toes crossed all week if it's going to help even a tiny scrap!

Still here, baby still inside...

Sorry for the big silence (again). We have had a lot of trouble with our internet connection here in the new house. and then we resorted to buying a wireless modem to fix the problem and make our lives easier but so far and with much palaver, it still won't work (for G0d knows what reason?). I won't go into the rest of the stupid internet problems because it's much too boring and I will only get irritated.

Now, baby wise, baby is still inside and appears to be staying there until next Friday as planned. I seriously wish we had kept to our original Cesarean date (this Friday) so I didn't have to deal with one extra second of dbt that I don't necessarily need to endure but thems the chips I'm afraid.

The baby is measuring very big compared to my DD's birth weight. DD was 3kg or just on 7 pounds. This baby is estimated to be close to 4kg or 9 pounds.

I am very uncomfortable and have split all the muscles at the fundus/top of my abdomen. and I am HUGE. Throughout the pregnancy I have gained 14 kg or 30 pounds. I am an over weight person anyway, so this is too much for me to have gained. This time around (4th pregnancy to make it to or past 15 weeks), my body has no ability to carry a baby in a cute, compact, glorious way. I have HUGE new stretchmarks on top of old stretchmarks. I have swollen feet and hands and am retaining fluid like a sponge. I can't wear rings or most of my shoes. I have hormonal hair growing at an alarming rate. I am too big to shave my legs unaided (which is depressing). My hair is lank and has thinned (...maybe due to dbt stress?). I'm not sleeping well at night due to worry and general, overall discomfort in most positions, so I'm tired and I look it. I have wicked heartburn that's been kicking around since the 1st trimester but is now at a whole new level of pain. I'm a mess. I look a fright. I was asked the other day if I was carrying twins because I look so huge and frazzled.

BUT, you know what, if I get me a live, healthy baby sometime next week, I am going to be SO, SO happy and eternally grateful. It will be nothing short of a miracle if we get another take-home baby out of my deceitful body. I still cannot and don't trust my body to do the right things. But I have all my fingers crossed that we hit the jackpot this time around and everything is going to be alright for her.

To be honest, I STILL am not feeling confident and STILL cannot visualise the birth turning out ok. If she has a quiet day I am STILL prodding and poking my belly trying to find any signs of life because I have little faith in happy endings. But I do have a whole lot invested in this being a happy ending, so I realise if things go wrong again, I have nothing left in me to deal with it. I will be destroyed.

Moving house in the 3rd trimester with a little kid in tow is not something I recommend. We are still not completely unpacked or organise for the baby's arrival. We have agreed on her name which is one of the ones on the previous list I posted but I'll save it for when she's here.

The new house is glorious and gorgeous and I don't really know why I clung to our old place for so long. My G0d I love having a garden again! On the flip side, we still have much cleaning out and fixing up of our old place before we put it on the market. I hope we can get on top of it soon.

My DH finished his Masters degree about a month ago, which makes me very proud. and DD turned 4 years old 2 weeks ago. They are both so, so lovely and make my heart swell 10 times over.

Now blogwise, I think of so many of you often and hope and wish good things for you all. Especially Erin, Catherine, Kate, Laura and Rosepetal.

I am on tenderhooks about MsFitzia's amazing twin pregnancy announcement and am looking forward to reading her good U/S news unfold over the coming months and I have Catherine in my thoughts for her big U/S tomorrow morning. I am delighted Kate's twin boys arrived safely, as did Leggy's twins and WTF's baby girl. You are all so inspiring to me and my feeble thoughts. and I am so glad Rosepetal is blogging again. I have been so worried about her and all she has endured, I only hope she has good things around the corner from now on.

Now, I promise to keep you all updated on what happens to me and the baby. and I also promise to post again before the 3rd with my thoughts and feeling on having another Cesarean etal.

xC

Very Quick Update...

I can only update you guys in a very quick way but I wanted to let you all know I am ok, pregnancy is still ok and my silence is nothing to be concerned about.

We have finally moved house which has been torturous. I cannot believe how much crap I accumulated in these past 8 years living at the old house. And I cannot believe what an inefficient, disorganised packer I actually am. I think I would rather have a tooth pulled than have to move again for a really long time. The new house is really good but doesn't feel like home yet. and it's a bit too cold for my liking.

Pregnancy is all fine (touch wood). It is hard to believe I am 33 & half weeks gone. I am having a definitive U/S on Friday to look at blood flow, the baby etal. My Ob is so happy with my progess that she has convinced me to push back the scheduled caesarean date a week, to Friday 3rd August, which I agreed to at my last appointment (last Friday) but I have since been regretting because the baby will stay put another week (unless she decides to come earlier) and that means another week of worry and anxiety that she is not yet safely delivered from my deceitful body.

On the naming thing, we seem to have a few front runners but nothing yet decided. The names are all rather unpopular and maybe even slightly weird... but wtf!

and now for the sad part ~we have a delay in getting the internet hooked up in our new house, so don't expect me to be blogging/commenting or posting for at least another 2 to 3 weeks.

Thinking of you all and hoping good things for all my bloggy friends. xC

I AM for Erin.

Erin @ Vegetarian Mom tagged me to do the I AM meme before she had that awful, hateful, nasty troll trouble and went password protected. I'm very late doing it but here goes...

I am furious at the hateful woman blogger (called Anti.go.nos) for hurting Erin's feeling, disrespecting her on her own personal blog and causing Erin to go under a password to protect herself from all the hateful trolls out there. I love that many of you had the guts to stick up for Erin and tell the troll where to get off. I have so much admiration for you guys. I hate that some women can be so hurtful, judgemental and negative to each other and I wish that there were a code of conduct we all had to abide by when leaving comments on another blog. If you can't say something supportive, then say nothing at all.

I am so very sad for Rosepetal. Baby A was born and died on Tuesday. There has been so much death and disappointment surrounding her lately. The depth of her pain and despair is enormous. I wish it weren't so.

I am very behind in everything I should be doing to pack and clean and organise before moving house. Whenever I think about what a huge task it is, I go make a pot of tea, sit down and do nothing about making a dent in it! I am deeply lazy!

I am very excited about the new house. I think it's a place we could call home for many years to come. and I'll have a garden to tend for the first time since 1999. Oh my, I can't wait to plant things and watch them grow.

I am trying to be positive about my pregnancy and push DBT to the back of my mind as much as is humanly possible. It's not that easy though.

I am very happy I am married to the love of my life. DH is more than perfect. He is divine and I love him to bits.

I am so lucky and grateful I have my nearly 4 year old DD. Her birth was so scary and fraught with danger but I am grateful every day that she survived. My life would amount to nothing much if she weren't a part of it.

I am sick of my sister upsetting me but I don't have any answers to combat her behaviour and how it affects me.

I am annoyed that the dog has taken to peeing in the house now the rains have finally started to come. (This dog has lived with drought all it's life and now won't get it's feet wet, or so it appears).

I am very happy for a real life friend who is pregnant. She is a true urban le.gend. She endured 11 years of A*RT and I*VF to conc*eive her son (born in 05). Then last year after 15+ years of no contrac.eption et al, and 41 years old, she conc*eived naturally for the first time ever and is expecting a daughter in 4 weeks. This is only the second time she has been pregnant beyond 5/6/7 weeks. All I can say is WOW! and she's going on for 42 later this year.

I am not writing posts often enough even though I remember posting regularly was one of my new year's resolutions. I'll try to turn around this downward spiral.

I am very happy about all of you out there in bloggyland with your pregnancies coming along. In particular Kate and her twin boys, Catherine , Laura and Whatthef*ck who only has 11 days more to wait until she has her little girl safely in her arms. Much love and best wishes to you all. and also to all the other pregnant bloggers on my blogroll (there are so many of you this year!).

I am grateful there is this amazing community of IF and Loss Mummy bloggers out there that have helped me through the dark days and nights that happen every now and then. I hope in some small way I repay the kindness one day.

I am hungry and tired and need to fix lunch asap.

I am 28 weeks this weekend. OMG, I can't believe that could actually be true after such a rough start to this pregnancy. Could I be so lucky this time around? I still have all my fingers crossed that this one's a keeper.

I am already so in love with this new little girl growing inside me. I desperately want a happy ending this time around. I know I just can't handle living the flipside all over again.

I am starting think about her nursery in our new house but haven't been shopping or made any decisions about colour, decor or theme yet. I daydream about the new house all the time. Where we will put things. What I need to buy (curtains, blinds, furniture...) and I connect the baby's arrival with the newness of our new home.

I am stumped trying to find the perfect name for this new, little girl baby inside me. I have a couple of ideas but DH doesn't like any of them so much. We agree we like old fashioned and unusual names. Nothing trendy or made up though. Can you help us find that elusive, gorgeous, striking name I dearly want my new girl to have? It is such a long, hard journey to have her, so I want her to have a name that's rather special and different. Got any good suggestions for me? I am all ears! Tell me what your Grandma's, great Grandma's and Great Aunts were called... and what is the most unusual name in your family?

and I tag everyone who hasn't already been tagged for this meme...

Rosepetal.

My heart completely breaks for Rosepetal @ Moksha. She has been dealt the most bitter hand with the death of her beloved father last week and the discovery this week her unborn son has tris.omy21 and heart.defects. She will endure the tragedy of a ter.mination next Tuesday. This is the 2nd son she hasn't been able to take home with her in her arms. Life can be so cruel and unjust. If you can, please visit her site and offer some support to her throughout these most difficult days, weeks and months ahead. and much love, strength and courage to you, darling Rosepetal.

what's been going on (in my mind & other places).

Sorry to have been missing in action for so long. As predictable as I know it sounds, I have been too anxious to write about my anxieties. Sounds ridiculous? Yes, I agree.

So, I will try to touch on a few different thoughts and events briefly, to get them off my chest, and plan on elaborating later on.

* This pregnancy and baby is still good and healthy. I am beside myself with anticipation that I am 24+ weeks. I can't believe I've made it this far without a huge roadblock (touch wood). I am screaming with fear that I've made it this far but something will still go wrong before my little girl is safely born. I have completely fallen in love with this new little girl kicking away inside me and lay awake at night worrying about her health and safely inside me. I know she won't be out of the woods until she's out of me, and knowing that is SCARY. Every week the pregnancy progresses, the stakes get higher and higher. I have not had the courage to venture into a baby goods shop yet but I have bought a few sweet newborn things online for her to wear. and when they've arrived in the post, I've felt sick to my stomach that maybe she won't make it and I'm jinxing things. I've realised if I were a religious person, I would have some comfort believing in a higher power or a grand scheme or some baloney about everything happening for a reason, but instead I am stuck with my perspective that life is random and without subliminal meanings. It gives me no comfort for my worry.

* I added a countdown to the discussed cesarean date that my OB proposed. If she is born on that day (27th July), it should be an elective cesarean without the drama and horror of my DD's terrifying emergency cesarean following a placental abruption. My OB believes I need another cesarean because of my bicorn.ute Ute.rus, my history of placental problems and abruption and the fact that I've already had one before. I'm happy she's thinking along the same lines as me. Enough said.

* Some days this little growing girl inside of me is not busily kicking me and her quietness gives me enormous anxiety. Other days, she rolls and jabs and I relax, but her pattern is one or two quite days every week. I hope this pattern changes soon, or all my hair will fall out with the worry I'll get.

* My DH nervously asks me every day if his new baby is still ok and moving and alive. I feel so guilty that my body is the enemy and something not to be trusted with something as important as his child. I have a lot of unresolved issues about my body being the cause of losing our last baby, so I basically don't trust my body with this baby either.

*My DD says she is very excited there is a new baby on the way. DD will turn 4 in july and thinks the baby is her birthday present. Oh, it will be very, very bad if this little sister of hers doesn't make it out alive. I wish there had been a way to keep this from her until the birth?

* I keep thinking about when this baby was conceived back in November. [Disclaimer... I don't believe in reincarnation at all, even if this sounds a bit like I do... I think I'm just very emotional about everything right now. Also, sorry for too much information...). Last year my ex J committed sui.cide on the night of the I2 N.0v. It was a Sunday and DH and I made lo.ve very passionately without the baggage of TTC because my Dr had firmly convinced me I needed clo.mid for that. We were just enjoying the closeness etal]. The next morning, I had calls telling me last night at II pm J had jum.ped infront of a trai.n and di.ed instantly. I still feel sick thinking about what happened to him and what he must have felt. and I know it happened exactly when we were happily cuddled up in bed enveloped in our love. and I think that night we made this baby because we didn't do the deed again for another week because I was too upset and wracked with grief and mixed emotions. I wonder why after ttc for 16 months it had to happen on the same night J to.ok his l.if.e.? J was my defacto partner for 5 years from mid 1991 to xmas 1996. He was wild and crazy and often very fun but also dysfunctional and troubled and difficult to be with. He was in a band. He had issues with dru.gs and alco.hol. and an extremely crazy last girlfriend who couldn't be faithful or kind to him. His sui.ci.de note said he wished he'd di.ed when he and I spit because he thought his life since then was a complete waste of time. Whenever I ran into him, I felt so sorry for him that he didn't have his shi.t together or a nice girl by his side. I could not have stayed with J because he was sucking the life right out of me but I wish his life had been different.

* My ex husband (also J), who could drop dead any moment and I would VERY HAPPY INDEED, has been sta1k1ng me again. We split up in 2000 and divo.rced asap after a horrible, horrible time together. I met him on the rebound and he was a BIG, BIG mistake for me to make. He proposed after 3 weeks together and all I can say now (in Dr Ph.il's voice) is WHAT WAS I THINKING? He's a psycho and a soci.op.ath and that's why it didn't work or last. Think Orson off Despe.rat.e Hou.se.wive.s ~he looks ok on the surface but he's not ok at all... run a mile! The bitter details of those 3 years with him are lengthy and upsetting to revisit, so I will spare you the background info for now. Anyway, 7 years on, he is still causing us trouble. His latest stunt was having our house (with our full address, phone number and my full RL name) listed on some local sites as a b.r.0th.e1. Charming, isn't he? We have endured male callers at all hours for months without much luck finding where it was all originating from. Luckily, one timid man who rang before Eas.ter wanting 'spec1al serv1ces', admitted the site he got our information off and I had the false listing removed and an internal investigation is underway as to how they allowed someone to falsely list anothers residence in such a manner. We do live in the CBD and there are legal b.r.0th.e1s in the CBD, but they should have better checks and balances before compromising anothers security in such a serious manner, not to think what dangers J wished on my DD and me. Can I ever hate him enough? He's an idiot though. He gave them his current contact email address as the lister and they passed that info on to me. I'm considering going to the co.ppers about it. and thank our lucky stars we are moving house soon. We will probably go 'unlisted' to shed his trail.

*About moving. I have not started packing yet. I might start this weekend. I'm worried I'm leaving it until I can't move much from 'baby belly'. We settle on Jun.e I8th. I must get motivated asap. There is so much crap here to sort and chuck before the serious packing gets underway. I LOVE the new house we are moving into. I've driven over there a few times (on watering restriction nights) and looked through the windows (because it's vacant) and watered the lemon and the orange trees. We will be so much happier there. I can't wait for a fresh start in a new home.

* DH's father and step mum came over for an Easter visit from New Zea.land. His dad has rapidly advancing park.insons and most of the talk was about them wanting to sell their home and move into a reti.rement village. Very depressing conversations for DH.

* My nephew is being assessed for various de7el0pment.al de1a.ys and Sp.e.ctrum Di.so,rd,ors. He is very much a handful. and the most difficult child I have ever known. His mother has always insisted he is perfectly normal and age appropriate and typical for a boy and I have always silently had my suspicions about his milestones and behaviours. (eg: he still c.a.nnot sp.e.ak in a seemingly com.preh.en.sible manner although there is nothing wrong with his he.ari.ng). He is 4 months older than DD, so I cannot help but privately compare them sometimes even though I know this is unhelpful and unscientific. His Kindy teachers told her he needs to be assessed urgently because of his obvious spe.ech problems and difficult behaviour and that they think he should have been assessed long ago. Thank goodness she is listening to them. I hope the problem is nothing serious.

* My sister has been openly depressed by the news that the new baby growing inside me is another girl. She had her 2nd last year, a girl, and has felt it her right to demand all DD's clothes and things for her nearly one year old to have and wear. I did oblige very generously, initially because mentally and emotionally I had gotten to a point where I believed that we had ttc for SO, SO LONG without seeing those miraculous pink, double lines, that I believed we would never conceive again. How happy I am to now know I was wrong about that! When I bagged up DD's newborn and tiny things for my sisters baby, it tore me up inside. I gave her everything I had been saving for our #2. It felt so lonely and empty and final. I was miserable and sad and wanting to have another baby so badly and my sister was hassling me for hand me downs to save herself a few dollars. (Remember, this is my very smug fertile sister who I have written about earlier ~ 24th and 26th Jan). and when I announced to the family, that the little one inside me is a girl, she burst out crying in front of us all (like the drama queen she is) because she claims my new little girl will unbalance the family and that there are enough girls already (there is only DD and her DD) and that she was counting on ALL DD's things going to her girl E for the rest of their lives and that she wanted little E to always be the baby girl of the family and that E will lose her position in the family...blah, blah, blah... (need I add my sister is not poor and has a very good standard of living ~far better than ours in fact) and it made me feel sick to my stomach that all my stupid sister cares about is saving some bucks rather than understanding that it's totally VITAL to me to try to have a baby that lives. and that our priorities are healthy and alive, and gender preference comes a very distant second or third.

And, it makes me wonder if deep down my sister wishes we weren't even pregnant again and just left all the procreating to (the likes of) her. She is very critical of government subs.idies of ferti.lity treatments and believes infertiles should be made to accept their lot in life. She is very judgemental and difficult to be candid with. We don't see eye to eye on much.

OK, ok, it's midnight and I'm pregnant and oh, so tired. I'll try and finish this update tomorrow.

Might I add, I am devastated by Rosepetal's worrying NF scan news. I am so worried and sad for her that things may not be good. Please go and give her some support if you can. and if you are reading this, Rosepetal, please know you and in my thoughts and I wish only the best for you.

Also, thank you Erin for prompting me to update. I needed the push. I am so shy to post my feelings about being pregnant this time around. I feel so negative and fearful that something will go wrong again and haven't relaxed and enjoyed this baby yet. I am still waiting to feel good about her arrival. I still feels so long away and so much can go wrong in 90 days... I need to just take one day at a time and not worry myself into a stupor. but it's easier said than done.

Ok, now, I'm off to bed. Goodnight you all.

UPDATED 5 minutes later to add: I am so, so happy for Catherine's new pregnancy. I am wishing you all the love and luck in the world that this new little life growing inside you really is a keeper and everything you have been searching for.

Erin, I spent a bit of time tonight reorganising my links list for you, adding a special stillbirth category and more links to good list pages on other blogs. I'll do some more work on it tomorrow evening. It's getting past my bedtime. (our time zones are so different!).

Wish me luck.

I'm having the big mid 2nd trimester (18+ to 20+ week) ultrasound scan today at 2pm. I'm excited and terrified. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about it. Anatomy, organ function and growth will be check and we WILL be finding out if our new baby is a boy or a girl. DH has his money on it being another girl. I'm too worried about complications and abnormalities to care too much either way. I'm gunning for normal, healthy and alive. So, wish me luck!

UPDATE:

She's a healthy GIRL measuring a few days ahead. I am ecstatic and totally over the moon that everything (including my cervix) is looking as it should be. OMG, I feel happy right now.

Please go and offer support.

This morning I stumbled across a blog I had never visted before (Vegetarian Mom) and was shocked and saddened to discover the blogger's daughter was stillborn on March 3rd 2007. Please go and offer Erin some support in this cruel and difficult time.

Oprah wants you.

Oprah is currently researching to do a show on Miscarriage and stillbirth. Immediately I thought of some of you (US) women out there in the blogging community who would be wonderful guests/advisors for that episode. Catherine , Lauralu, Cecily, Alysse , Laura, Sarah, Jill, Delphi, Kate, Emma's Mom, Whatthef*ck, Michelle, Silly Hummingbird, AJW5403 and Julie, certainly come to mind as strong, forthright, intelligent, articulate women (who live in the US) who have a story to tell. Oh and the Canadian women like Manuela, Aurelia, MsFitzia and DeadBabyBlog would make a wonderful contribution to the discussion about what the F@** happened to us all (and how that ...and society... makes us feel). I hope some of you in particular and many, many others have the courage to share your personal stories to such a wide audience. I would never be so brave but I would be incredibly inspired if I saw any of you lot on TV. Here is the link to apply to the Oprah : Stillbirth Show. because people like us need to hear stories like ours.

(and appologies to any of you I left out of this list above. I wrote this in haste.)

what I've been thinking about.

Tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of "giving birth" to my baby boy Rai.ner. As you all already know, he had already been dead for 2+ weeks beforehand. As you know already, I never commemorated his life and death in any physical or ritual way. I am a ball of anxiety and denial. I know what we went through. It was hideous. Although my prior history had been as an infertile, I thought everything was ok with Rai.ner. I have loads of regrets and what ifs. I wish I did things differently during his pregnancy (like avoiding catching flights and toxic paints). I wasn't consciously negligent though. I'd already been through one high risk pregnancy with my DD, so I knew the stakes were high. I had to be told Rai.ner was dead by a sonographer. The sonographer was very blunt. She said, "He's dead and the fluid looks cloudy. I think he's been deceased for some time". She didn't say, I'm sorry, or soften the news in any way. I was there alone and I got the worst news and the biggest shock of my life. I didn't notice a lack of movement because his placenta was on my belly and he was was a quiet baby at best. I had NO idea what had happened to my baby. I'd had miscarriages before but I was feeling good to be 25 weeks. I thought I was out of the woods. Was I wrong! I went from the sonographers straight to my Ob's office (in the same building). She outlined what she thought I should do next. On her advice, I had heaps of blood work done that afternoon so she could look at my clotting profile and booked me in to L&D 2 days later to be induced. I told my DH at midday our baby was dead. He'd arranged to come home for lunch that day. He cried big sobs like I have never seen a big, strong man cry before. By the 24th he was a pillar of strength for me, but the day he found out was a dark, dark moment in both our lives. I got the news on Tuesday 22nd at 10:30am and a waited until 3pm on Thursday 24th March to be admitted to hospital. Rainer was born at 8:15pm that night. The day before Good Friday. Easter was grim. Although I was 25 weeks, Rai.ner was small and measuring only 22 weeks. I don't know when he died. I am thankful the labour wasn't too long but it was heartbreaking nonetheless. I delivered him in a bloody mess alongside his placenta. He looked about the most dead and ugly I think a baby could ever be. I only looked at him for a few moments, a few moments after he was delivered. I asked for him to be taken away. Half an hour later I asked my Ob and the nurse to go see if he was a boy or a girl, when I realised I never even checked myself. DH was amazing throughout the delivery. He held my hand and rubbed my back and put on the telly for a bit when we needed a little distraction. I was grateful to be allowed pethad.ine. The physical pain was short lived. DH didn't want to look at our dead baby either. I had to ask him if he wanted to before I got the nurse to take his bloodied body away. He quickly glanced at the bloodied mess and baby still lying on the sheets and looked away silently crying while vacantly staring out the window. I hate my body for failing my baby. My body is to blame for what happened. We were handed a ton of paper work that night. Our baby needed to be registered with Births & Deaths. Our Ob wanted a full autopsy done immediately. We agreed. We wanted answers and I'm very grateful that we got answers. Rai.ner died from Thro.mbosis ~specifically, clots in the cord cutting off his oxygen supply. His placenta also had big clots on the fetal side. (My DD's placenta had big clots on the maternal side contributing to a complete placental abruption during labour followed by an emergency caesarean 8 minutes later, followed by me needing 2 hours surgery to stitch me up (my Ob said she considered giving me a hysterec.tomy because my hemorrhaging was so excessive) and DD needing a stay in NICU on oxygen). DH and I filled out most of the paper work that night. We'd already chosen the name Rayna if we were having a girl, but never agreed on a boys name, so on hearing he was a boy, we went with a male version of the same name. I sometimes think his name (Rain.er) is not at all what we would have chosen if we had already worked out our boys name. For some reason I was convinced we would have 2 daughters and didn't really focus on the boys names much. The next morning Mum visited and offered to help out. I asked her to arrange for the disposal of Rain.er's body with a funeral parlour. DH and I asked for him to be cremated. and we asked her not to fill us in on all the details. She obliged only too well. There are a lot of questions I will one day had to ask her about what happened. We received a letter from the funeral parlour some months later asking if we still wished to collect Rain.er's ashes, and even then I chose to defer it to Mum again. And I don't know what she decided about his ashes. My guess is she probably has them put away to give us one day when we finally asked about them. or is my guess merely my wishful thinking? We didn't take photo's of Rain.er and we don't have anything that was specifically his. I was planning on using DD's newborn things for the next baby and buying stuff after I knew what gender our new baby would be. We don't have a memory box. I do have U/S photos and U/S video that I haven't looked at since he died. and I found our 2005 list of favourite names hidden in one of my name books when I was perusing a month or so ago, which gave me a shock and a jolt right back to a dark, lost place. I found the lead up to last years 1st anniversary terribly painful but this year is so much more difficult because I am paralysed by fear that something will happen to the new little baby I can only just feel sporadically kicking me and moving in-utero. The stakes are pretty high and this time around I am a puddle of fear. I want this new baby to live more than anything. This new baby won't fix the past but it will give us a new future.

I'm sorry Rain.er. I didn't mean to fail you. I wanted you to live. I wish you were my big, soon to be 2 year old boy instead of a grim memory to me. I'm so sorry.

Lovely Laura news.

The very lovely Laura has the most wonderful post announcing her pregnancy. I had thought she got a bfp along with Rosepetal but then she didn't update us, so I wrongly assumed it wasn't to be... and low and behold she's surprised us all with an announcement at 8+ weeks. Good on you and wishing you THE best pregnancy in the whole world.

[there are so, so many blogger babies due this year! a bumper crop for sure!)

another sad day.

I just read today that Nicole and Tertia have just suffered miscarriages. I am so sorry for both of you and I wish it weren't so. You're in my thoughts.

Tertia Alert

Holy Moly, Tertia @ So Close is pregnant!!!

FIVE babies arrived safely for 4 IF mums & 1 IF dad.

What beautiful news to stumble upon this week. Treggles, Leah @ Prop your hips up afterwards, Statia @ Not about you, Meg @ Journey to the centre of the egg, and Pithy Dithy all welcomed their new and much loved babies into the world and I couldn't happier for all of you that you got a happy ever after. Congratulations.

Sorry for my silence.

I haven't been posting lately because I am paralysed by DBT's and DB dreams. I don't know how to write about all that without making myself feel much worse than I already do. I promise to write a proper post some time over the weekend elaborating on my weekly Ob appointments and anything else that tickles my fancy. All I can say is a subsequent pregnancy after a SB really does your head in.

Congratulations Rosepetal.

I am so happy Rosepetal got a BFP. I wish you a wonderful, uneventful pregnancy ending in a beautiful, fullterm takehome baby.

Congratulations.

Huge congratulations to Nicole on her recent BFP. and Emma's Mum for her fabulous 1st scan. and Michelle for her amazing early scan of her little twins. and Bugsy for making the 12 week milestone for the 1st time ever and getting a fabulous nuchal fold scan result. and Kate for her excellent 20 week scan results and news that she is expecting twin BOYS. Well done ladies. You're all an inspiration to me.

YES, we are moving.

We got the house. The auction was stomach wrenching and more than I am up for, but after bidding well above our predetermined limit, we got the house. I think we are paying 50 or 60K more than we should be, so we now will have to try to make a tidy sum selling this old terrace. The stress is already killing me and I laugh then I think it is only 2 weeks ago tomorrow that we actually decided we would move instead of renovating. Only 2 weeks ago people! I should add I moved here in August 1999 and have filled my brain with doubts and ideas about what to do to this house, with no forward motion. And now almost 8 years on, it will be sold almost in identical condition but with a higher value due to inflation and a buoyant real estate market in Melb . Thankfully it wasn't a bad investment. Now, enough of this boring property talk, I need some lunch and a lie down. Thanks for all your encouragement. I love you guys.

Moving.

This week has been mentally exhausting. After much discussion, DH and I have decided we are going to sell our inner city house and move to the burbs. I couldn't be more over living in this house but I will dearly miss living so close to the city centre. We have ummed and ahhed about whether or not to renovate but fixing up this 130 year old victorian shop terrace house would be a living nightmare and a huge money pit. If we did it, it would require leaving the heritage facade, gutting the house and ripping the back half off... and rebuilding from scratch. and after years of indecision, we agreed we're just not up for that at this stage in our lives. So, I have spent this week looking at what's on the market and settled on a 50s brick house with a front and a back garden and 4 bedrooms (etal) in a good neighbourhood that is not too far away from the cbd, and, and, and... we're going to bid at the auction tomorrow morning and try to buy it! Our current house will be very easy to sell, so I am not concerned about buying before selling first. All we will need to do is move our stuff out, clean every inch and paint the walls in and out. I am hoping we buy/sell/move asap. I've got all my fingers and toes crossed for tomorrow and definately have all my eggs in one basket about this house. It's the only one I looked at which I can actually imagine us living there happy (with a new baby) and content for many years to come. Maybe this is our year to do all the big things? I sure hope so.

Music to my ears.

Bugsy and Sparkle both got great news this week. After years of IF, both these women saw a waving, wriggling baby on their scans for the first time ever. I am ecstatic their little babies are growing and thriving. It is so inspiring to us all. I wish you both a safe, smooth 2nd and 3rd trimester until your babies are snug in your arms.

Good U/S results.

Sorry to not post immediately with my great U/S results. I was so exhausted with all the stress and worry and it has been so hot here again, that I slept late in the afternoon and went to bed early after dinner. Anyway, the scan was really good. The baby is measuring 4 days ahead and the nuchal fold is thin and nothing to further investigate. I'm sorry my last post sounded so drama queeny. You are all SO right about the lack of symptoms spelling bad news. I knew that but with my other 2 pregnancies that made it this far I had nausea and sore, swollen bo.obs that didn't let up until 20+ weeks only to return again after 36 weeks with my daughter, so I was figuring that for me, lack of symptoms was a bad thing. I have NEVER been happy to be completely wrong about my intuition. During the scan, I watched in amazement that I have a live, moving baby inside me. I didn't think I could be so lucky. Now I just need the baby to survive the next 25 weeks and have an elective caesarean at 38 weeks and we're all dandy. I still can't believe this might actually work out. I won't really believe it until I am in hospital and the baby is out of me and breathing. But seeing the tiny hands waving was medicine to my anxieties. Now, I just want this baby to keep on growing bigger and stronger every day.

worried.

Tomorrow at 11am I have my 12 week scan and nucal fold evaluation. I am TERRIFIED. This past week I have had sudden decreasing pregnancy symptoms. My bre.asts are NOT sore at all anymore and I am not so nauseated. I am still very tired but other than that I would not know I was still pregnant for lack of symptoms. I have tried to hold out for the scan instead of ringing my Ob hysterically about what I think is a downward spiral. I cannot decide if I am being neurotic about feeling better or observant about something bad happening internally. I have been so sick with worry I am not sleeping very well. I'm so tired but every night when I lay my head on the pillow mymind races and I can't slow it down. I need reassurance. I need good news tomorrow. I need to see there is still a little heart beating because I can't find the leap of faith it takes to believe everything is still ok without seeing some proof on a scan.

Please let this baby still be ok.

Please send support & kindness.

Please visit Jill @ Knocked up... Knocked down as she has just suffered her 7th miscarriage and lost her father to lung cancer in the same week. Such grief is unimaginable and my heart breaks for her. Why is the world so cruel for some of us?

BFP news.

Congratulations Thalia on a BFP. I hope this is the one you get to hold in your arms and take home to raise.

More about my sister.

Ok. I'm in total agreement with you all again about my conversation with my sister. Yes, it's a good idea to ignore it and wait for the shi.t to blow over and yes, it's a good idea to cut her some slack and not play the pain olymp.ics with her. but because I am still pissed with her and not venting anywhere in RL, I will fill you in on some stuff about her.
* Yes, she had an elective ab.ortion some years ago after discovering her boyfriend at the time didn't want kids yet. At the time she was very comfortable about that decision, which was hers to make.
* she went on to have 3 more elective ab.ortions, another 1 with that guy and 2 with her next boyfriend because he didn't want to have kids yet either. Again, at that time she was comfortable with the decisions she made and never referred to them as regrets or even as babies. She was very slack about birth control then and obsessively careful now days because she had BFP's with both her kids in the 1st cycles ttc.
*Her current partner is her boyfriend (they are not married) of almost 10 years and the father of her 2 children.
*He was one of my university BF's, who I met and befriended when I was 18. I actively encouraged them to date (after seeing her string of unsuitable exboyfriends before him) but once they became a couple, my sister wouldn't let her boyfriend and I continue being friends, and it has stayed that way ever since.
*My sister is very thin and often compulsively comments about my weight and size if I eat anything in front of her. It doesn't matter if it's carrot sticks or cake. [My mother who is also extraordinarily thin also does this to me].
*I am not anti-ab.ortion. I am pro-ch.oice. I also had an elective, early ab.ortion (at 7 weeks) in 1994 because I was in an abusive relationship that I was trying to end and I didn't believe that man would be able to be a good father at the time. I was using a dia.phram birth contro.l without sper.macide and it wasn't planned. That man was my childhood sweetheart, a musician who developed drug and alcohol problems and committed sui.cide a few years after we split up. It was a low point in my life but I don't regret that decision at all.
* I don't look down on my sister for having 4 early, elective ab.ortions. BUT, I do wonder now, why she continued to have 3 more, if the first ab.ortion was so deeply traumatic for her that she equates it with my son, who died in utero and was then born 2 weeks later (vaginal birth after caesarean) in hospital, looking about the most dead I think a baby can look. My boy looked so awful that I didn't keep him in my room, I didn't arrange a funeral, and I never collected his ashes. All I did was sign forms and cry. and since then, all I can think is how disgusting it is that I carried my dead baby around for 2 weeks without knowing he had gone. To me, my body is a coffin. I wasn't in pain. I had no idea what had happened. The truth revealed itself on a regular ultrasound at 24 weeks, but he was small and very dead. and then I waited 4 more days before giving birth, so my OB could do bloodwork. I delivered him on March 24 2005 at 8:15pm at 25 weeks. I believe he actually died at about 22+ weeks. What happened I didn't choose. It wasn't a solution to a problem. It wasn't a choice. It isn't even close to what my sister's regrets might be.

Smug fertile #2

I'll relay some of the contents of a conversation I had with my younger sister (mother of 2 instantaneously conceived, perfect pregnancy children) yesterday. (paraphrased, of course)
Sister: You really should stop being so negative and anxious about this pregnancy. It can't be good for the baby.
Me: If you'd ever walked in my shoes, you wouldn't say such things.
Sister: I have walked in your shoes. Remember, I had a ab.ortion 13 years ago!
Me: That was your choice! You didn't want that baby! An elective, early abortion is no way similar to a stillbirth or a miscarriage or to be IF or have 'poor reproductive chances' like my Ob says I have.
Sister: Now you've hurt my feelings. That ab.ortion was very upsetting. I was so young. You are always so callous and insensitive.
Me: Look, I'm not trying to undermine what regrets you might feel about what you did back then... BUT, That was a choice. I never chose to lose my babies. The ONLY thing that would be similar in my mind is if something had happened during one of your children's pregnancies and you lost a much wanted baby too.
Sister then hung up on me.

and you know what. Her lack of insight and perspective really pisses me off BUT I also have an urge (that I am fighting off) to phone her back and see if she's ok. It's the big sister in me, saying cut her some slack, she's still a kid after all. My DH said I should just let it blow over because she is 34 after all, which is old enough and big enough to realise what an ass she is making of herself...

Anemia.

I read all your fantastic comments about taking iron and I agree with all of you. I should say right now, I don't mind getting assvice at all! Thanks Nicole for giving that expert angle about diet. I know I am not eating enough red meat or leafy greens. I bought a steak for tonight though. Like Kate, I have been anemic in the last 2 pregnancies. Right now my haemoglobin is 8 and my ferritin is 3. Not transfusion territory but not good enough either. Kate, I agree that I don't think anemia can kill babies unless you get into dangerously low, transfusion territory and then it can cause heart At*ack, strok* etal. Now, Jill , here is the surprise. My Ob told me to get Spaton* and then if I couldn't find it, get fef*l. She didn't say it was water, all she said was it came in sachets and was her preferred option. I sent DH out to the chemist and he can home with fef*l and a small box of Spaton* and I've been taking it since Friday but at half the dose you recommended (2 sachets a day). Now I'm thinking maybe I should double it to 4? DH is very shocked at Spaton*'s high price. I am a bit too. If I take 4 sachets a day, it will cost aus$40 a week! and Jill , I ALWAYS wondered what your 'beautiful Welsh water' remedy was and now I know. and knowing how much it helped you makes me feel very confident taking it myself. Thanks guys.

Bloodwork. Rain. & a lazy Sunday with friends.

My bloodwork came back on Friday with terrible numbers showing I am severely anemic in iron stores (ferritin) and my haemoglobin is low. So I am on huge iron doses from now on. The rest of my bloodwork was fine, so far.

Finally the rain has come after having heatwave after heatwave all summer. I don't think it will be enough to break the drought but it is pure joy to hear rain on the roof at nighttime.

This afternoon we are going to drinks with friends at a local kid friendly pub. NO, I won't partake in alcohol, but it will be fun to catch up with some people I haven't seen for a while. and NO, I won't be making an announcement. These people don't get the whole DBT anxiety thing that plagues me. It will be easier to say nothing.

Ob Update.

Saw the Ob today and had lots of bloodwork done at pathology for the nuchal fold test and to get a current profile of my clotting etal. The Ob is very happy with how things are going. The scan measured 10 weeks 4 days and the little heart was beating strong and regular. My blood pressure was 130/70. My weight has not increased one iota. I had a follow up Pap smear because of my history of c1n 111 cells. Ob said the cervix is looking good for now. She said she will have my cervix length measured at 12 weeks, 16, 20 and 24, to see if it shows signs of incompetence and need for a cerclage stitch, since I have had the cervical Op since my last pregnancy, so we don't know if I will have any troubles due to that. I have made appointments to see her fortnightly up to 20 weeks. [To be honest, I can't actually imagine getting to 20 weeks, but I can always cancel the appointments if this all goes to shit]. I collected the Baby Asp1rin from the chemist and can start taking it next week, seeing as the bleeding has stopped and the brown sludge is dimishing more every day. All in all, a good day at the office. I was fully expecting to hear bad news but what I got was so, so much better. I still have my hope intact.

Please send love and support.

Whatthef*ck is having an amnio tomorrow after receiving a positive (bad) AFP result today.

Carey @ Uterus x 2 needs support. She just found out she has a blighted ovum and is arrange a D&C for Thurs or Fri.

infertilepediatrican also discovered today that her partner has a blighted ovum and will also have a D&C later this week.

My heart and thoughts are with them all.

boring & brief update.

I didn't visit my OB this week, so no official news to be learnt or shared around. The vomiting ceased and the nausea has subsided for today. The constant bleeding appears to be coming to an end but has been followed by a definate brown sludge which leaves me cold. (sorry for too much information). I have had days were I think my bre.asts are no longer sore and start to freak about subsiding symptoms but then the soreness and tingling has returned again but not as pronounced as before. So, I DON'T KNOW what to think or expect about this time around. I realise it would have been very reassuring (or alarmingly enlightening) to have had another scan this week. I don't have an appointment until Thursday, which from todays perspective and disposition feels a million miles away. I'm worried but I'm also happy the red bleeding has stopped. I'm just a useless puddle on the floor and I won't regain my full dignity and capacity until I have another scan to put my fears to rest or have them realised as fact. All I know is, this anxiety and doubt is crappy.

More about my real life friends...

That smug fertile couple really are old, close friends. The guy I mean. He and I go back about 15 years and used to work together at a magazine back in the day. He is great. Smart, funny, witty and totally adorable ( and definately a BF) BUT he has this awful partner who is materialistic, selfish, bitchy and controlling. Years ago they split up a few times and I was floored when they got back together, bought a house and had a baby 3 minutes later. I have had to accept her and humour her, as all good friends would do. She is very high-maintenance and has irritated the crap out of me for years. Her comments the other day, were nothing new from her actually. I would give her the flick but it would be a big loss to lose a decent friendship with much shared history with him. It's a typical bind I guess. and their daughter is the same age as my DD, so that is really nice as well. I just need to be much thicker skinned when dealing with her while pregnant because she is SO toxic. He called me this week from work and we talked for half an hour about my pregnancy (he used to be an icu nurse) and he was sincerely concerned and happy for me. He's a gem.

My other BF is lesbian and never ttc or anything like that. She is great with kids and it would be totally awesome if she were to try and have a baby, but for now it seems not to be a priority for her. She has had a rocky relationship past, so I guess that doesn't help in trying to decide about bringing new life into the world. Although she has never walked my (fertility struggle) path, she is an amazingly supportive, direct, genuine friend who has listened to me moan and cry and whinge about how unfair this loss and ttc thing can be, even though if I really think about it, I am sure there are a 1000 things she would rather talk about. She is rock solid.

My other BBF, is my DH. he's my everything.

and them's my best friends.

Catherine's tarot link

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Whatever that means?
thanks Catherine @ everything is under control..

morning sickness or food poisoning?

Sorry I haven't picked up on any of the thoughts I've had about the Smug friends or as Jill hilariously reminded me, Hair Issues while pregnant!! I'll post about those later on. For now, all I can say is I have been vomiting for 2 days and staying in bed. I can't decide if this is just morning sickness or awful food poisoning, it has been that bad... chat later, I'm going back to bed...

Smug fertile 'friends'.

We have dear, old friends who are outrageously smug fertiles. (The guy is seriously one of my BF's and the girl is someone I have had to grow into. They've been together for 11 years now). They are thirtysomethings due with #2 in May and are so naive and blissfully ignorant about all that can go wrong that they have never visited an Ob in their lives and have a minimum of prenatal care at the birth1ng centre from the nurses. With their 1st, they never, ever set eyes on a Dr, except to get a written referral to the b-centre. They are so confident as to even say aloud to who ever will listen "bad things don't happen to people like us".

I had a call from the knocked up half of this couple this afternoon and she started off by saying that she'd been thinking of me over xmas/new year, and felt really sorry for me that we would not be having more children. I was startled. I asked her why she was so sure we would not continue trying for #2 (as she knew we had been trying for some time already) and

she said "why would you when you are not very good at this breeding thing?".

I was floored. I told her to stop feeling sorry for us, that infact we are pregnant as we speak and that I wouldn't quit trying for more children for another year or 2 or more, if this pregnancy doesn't give me a child. I also said things have not been great this time around and that I had been bleeding for the last 2 weeks. BIG MISTAKE!

She said "well, why are you bothering? Having children is not for everyone. and you have all these stupid medical complications that I cannot understand or even remember. Yeah, remind me. What's wrong with you again?".

I didn't explain, I'd had enough and finished with "don't get too excited that I'm not conforming to your infertile idea of me. Alot can happen in my world and this pregnancy is not a done deal. Now can we change the subject and if I am still expecting in another month or 2, I will let you know. Thanks for calling. Bye".

... I hate the real-life smug fertile friends.

I hadn't planned on telling anyone (let alone them) about our news so soon. I feel tricked into saying something I wasn't ready to say...

It's hot.

As you all may have already gathered, we are sweltering in another heatwave. I have never been a person to enjoy hot weather. I b1tch and moan until summer ends. For us in Melb0urne, Autumn cooler weather usually takes until Easter to arrive. and Feb and March are often scorchers. OK, enough whinging...

Now, to take up an idea Nicole mooted in the comments, yes I do get to be h0rny and unsatisfied for the next few weeks (or more) but I will be trying not to be too stinky and dirty if I can help it. You see, I am one of those women who are extra especially interested in doing it with the DH when I am pregnant. DH and I have a pretty good s*x life anyway, but something happens with all the hormones that always triggers excessive bone jumping behaviour in me. weird, I know. There are plenty of women in real-life who I know who had the opposite effect to their libid0 when knocked up and none who have ever admitted to me that they were more interested in it than usual.

Anyway, to hear my Ob say 'no interc0urse' really was disappointing but I will do as she has told me an abstain for the safety and survival of the little embryo. Missing out on a little r0mp in the hay doesn't hurt as much as losing another pregnancy would.

I'd be interested to hear what your experiences were with pregnancy and s*x. It's a little taboo I know, so if it's much too personal to comment about, I am sorry for asking or offending.

bleeding and scans.

I'm having a scan at 2:30pm this afternoon at my Obs. I have bled everyday since the 23rd Dec. Not always heavily and now mostly dark but very worrying none the less. I still have no confidence in this pregnancy. In my last 2 pregnancies I had spotting but never the blood loss I have suffered this time around. I keep thinking this pregnancy is probably my last chance to have another baby and I feel sick to my stomach that it is not going smoothly.

UPDATE:
The scan went well and the embryo is measuring 8 weeks 2 days. My Ob has said to not have baths, swims or interc0urse until the bleeding stops completely (and then some), to minimise the chances of infection. It was a good day at the office.

sending some support and sticky thoughts.

Please follow the link and send support to Bugsy, as she has confirmation blood tests today following a transfer of 2 embryos on 11th Dec and Sparkle, who is having confirmation blood tests tomorrow following a transfer using a donor egg on the 20th Dec. My thoughts are with them both.

Resolutions.

For 2007 my resolutions are all based on self interest.

I resolve to
* drink more water
* take regular walks
* be more responsible with money
* not put off starting projects until there isn't enough time to do them the justice they deserve
* nurture this pregnancy (or the next one if this goes south) with good food, plenty of sleep and a good grip on my anxieties
* not to regain the 10kg I have just lost and maybe lose more weight (pregnancy permitting).

And my blogging resolutions (after Aurelia ) are
* to post regularly
* and not lurk so much

Wishing you all a fertile, BFP filled, sticky 2007.

2006 in review.

This year has sucked. I am glad there are only 3 more hours until 2007. Last January I began the year with a bang, breaking my elbow so conclusively that I required emergency reconstructive surgery. It was broken in 5 places. I did 6+ months of physio learning to bend and rotate the joint again. It's still not brilliant but I will have to be satisfied with the outcomes after spending so much money on physio that that nearly hurt as much as having the deep tissue broken and stretched did. Too many young people we know died this year by their own hand. Mostly guys who were mostly handling a breakup badly. I spent the year ttc and finally got a bfp in Dec. I was despondent and disillusioned about my fertility woes. I seeked answers from my Endocr1nologist, my Gynecolog1st, my Ob and my Reproduct1ve Endocr1nologist - Fert1lity Spec1alist. My RE said lose 10% of your body weight and you'll be allowed to try Clom1d. So I joined Jenny Cra1g. and I have now lost 10kg (22 pounds). My (smug fert1le) sister had her 2nd baby in July. A baby conceived (and born) after we started ttc (back in Aug 05) who is now almost 6 months old and a sharp reminder of my failing fertility. My brother has returned to his home of 7 years in Indonesia in September after staying at my parents for 12 torturous months. None of them get along at all. My exhusband continued to stalk me but set a new, lower than low standard for himself by stalking me uninvited at a dear old friend's wake (that was only for family and loved ones). I had a large solo exhib1tion which I was quite happy with. My DH only has 1 semester to go before he graduates with a Masters in Landsc@pe Arch1tecture. He's worked hard this year. Little Miss N turned 3 in July and continued excelling in her Creative Dancing classes and began Italian classes in August which she still finds a tad intimidating. I'm thinking twice about reenrolling her at the Italian School. She'll start Kindergaten in February and can't wait. 2007 is a year I am hoping will be happier and more fecund. I want to be holding our new baby by new years next year. I want to be much healthier, luckier and I want to have a healthy, full term, take-home baby. I want DH and DD to be happier than ever and overflowing in good fortune and joy. I want 2007 to be a GOOD YEAR for us all.
Wishing you all a happier year next year. xClare

Bugsy's 'WEIRD THINGS' Meme

Ok Bugsy tagged me to do this meme of 6 weird things about me....

[ as stated by Bugsy -THE RULES:Each player of this game starts with the weird things about them. People who get tagged need to write on their blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says you have tagged them in their comments and tell them to read your blog.]

1. I have a tattoo above my right ovary of a 2 inch flaming heart with my husbands name written on a scroll across it, which I had inked after we had only been together for 3 months, because I was in Italy and had been missing him for 5 weeks and I thought it would be an awesome surprise for him to find when I flew home 3 weeks later. He was very surprised and rather shocked at how a crazy I am but also he felt loved. Looking back, I think it's weird and know it's very lucky my husband IS the love of my life and my beautiful, better half.

2. The ashes of my premature stillborn son have never been picked up from the funeral house that arranged the cremation for us. He died 24/3/05. I couldn't deal with it at the time, so Mum made all the decisions for us and we never had a service or ceremony or anything. Mum has asked me what we should do about the ashes and she said the funeral house have written us a letter saying we can collect the ashes anytime, but no time ever feels like the right time for facing cold, hard reality.

3. When I was a lot younger ( and skinnier... in a former life), I went crowd surfing at a Dinosaur Jr concert (probably in 1989 or 1990?) and had my nose ring ripped out when it caught on something. My top was covered in blood. Nowdays I only have one piercing in each earlobe and that's it.

4. I talk in my sleep much to the amusement of my husband. I can never remember what I have said.

5. I was a blue baby and had to be revived when I was born because I had a lung condition called Hyaline Membrane Disease (which was considered quite a serious pediatric disease back in 1969- when I was born- and had a low survival rate then). I spent my first weeks of life in an incubator on oxygen. My parents didn't expect I would survive and we out a bought a brand new car a few days after I was born to cheer themselves up. It was a peugot 404.

6. Throughout my life I have had to learn to accept the death of close friends. My BF when I was 6 died during an operation. My university BF died when we were 21 of a heart attack. My teenage sweetheart (who I also had a 5 year defacto relationship with in my early 20s) jumped in front of a train a few years after we broke up. This year we have known 8 people (aged between 31 and 42) who have passed away, of these, 5 were suicides, 1 was hiv and 2 were cancer. (another reason this year has totally sucked).

7. and if I could stretch this to 7 things, then maybe having a heart shaped uterus that appears to have a left and right side that don't always communicate with each other (as experienced this week).

Ok now I have to tag 6 people. So here goes - Jill , Aurelia , Kate , Laura , Rosepetal , Catherine.

Quick Update

I am still bleeding but not gushing like a few days ago. I am still having abdominal pains that are irregular. I had a large, stabbing cramp on my right side all morning which bothers me. I feel nauseous and a bit tired. I am still not convinced everything is ok with this pregnancy. My Ob has decided she would like to see me weekly for the time being, so I will be scanned again next Wednesday if nothing else goes wrong before then. I have no confidence in myself and my body doing a good job to protect and grow this new life. I feel emotionally drained.

Thankyou all for your comments and support. It really means alot as I haven't told real-life people what we're going through. You guys are legends.

Also, Rach, I can't access your blog now you're password protected. I hope your daughter is doing ok. I followed you story some time ago but have lost touch with what you're all up to.

Aurelia @ No Matter How Small

Please go and support Aurelia @ No Matter How Small as it is the anniversary of burying her daughter. My heart goes out to her.

baby bonu$

Now for something random and not related to my own navel gazing, I read in the paper this morning that from the 1st Jan 07, the German Government are paying women a baby bonu$ on the birth of their baby worth €25,200 (US$33,032.16 / AUS$42,200) to encourage the population to procreate. We have a baby bonu$ here currently valued at $4,000 and rising to $5,000 in 2008. When my DD was born, the baby bonu$ was a mere $800. The Aust BBonus is paid to any mother who delivers after 20 weeks (live or stillborn). I think it's great for govts to be pro women and children and families and recognise that having children costs families rather a lot of money and often disrupts women's careers and earning capacity but benefits the community enormously. I think people who adopt babies should also be eligible for the bonus. The bonus is a really good start, but improved maternity leave and a better childcare system would also go along way to helping families.

http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2006/12/27/1166895361138.html

You will not believe this! It's official, I am a freak!

Ok, this is definately going to sound weird but I have just had a miscarriage AND I am still pregnant! My Ob scanned me and I have miscarried on my left side and everything there has gone But I have a viable pregnancy on my right side which as survived. According to her, this is possible because I have the unusual 2 separate sides to my uterus. She thinks that what I miscarried has not been viable at all and was probably not seen on last weeks scans because it was not a pregnancy sack or anything more than a collection of cells. and the pregnancy on the right side has been protected in it's own little 'horn'. I have bleed SO much in the last few days and even passed a huge clotted thing that was almost the size of my hand (finger tip to wrist), that I had NO hope of any hearing any good news. I AM IN DISBELIEF. I am now wondering how a pregnancy can survive if the lining has shed from one side completely? My Ob said I am now officially her most unusual patient ever... and she then added what we all know already, that pregnancy is one area where being boring is fantastic. I don't know how I am going to make it through this rollercoaster. I am not convinced I should be investing in this pregnancy at all. This is exhausting and I am all cried out.

I haven't got any xmas cheer.

My appointment at the Ob is in 40 minutes. They are only around the corner from here because I live in the cbd. I already know it's too late. I'll get a scan and a blood test and that's when the fat lady sings 'congratulations, you had a miscarriage'. I am really pissed off at myself for being so excited by my bfp and good results last week. I will post later on this arvo/tonight and share what has happened. Right now I should get my sorry arse into the shower and make myself respectable for the Dr. Thankyou all for your lovely comments. They mean the world to me and are so deeply appreciated. Xmas has sucked bigtime. I will also leave those details until later on. [Catherine, I did make Ambrosia!). Right now I just really hate myself for not being able to do 'this' right. and I feel sick at the thought of how long it might take to get another bfp again. For fcuksake, I am 37 years old. but we will be ttc all over again in the near future because I can't seem to accept there won't be another child in our family. This really sucks.

Blood.

This afternoon I noticed I felt damp and went to toilet to discover I was gushing bright red blood. I have bled for 8 hours and filled 3 pads. It seems to be easing a little for the last 2 hours. I called my Ob's pager and she phoned back straight away saying that because my ultrasound was good and that we saw a heartbeat, she was thinking I should rest up and wait and see what transpires from all this blood. She wants me to page her again in the morning and let her know whats happening and if the bleeding subsides she'll scan me on Wednesday morning. She reminded me blood does not always equal miscarriage, and I have certainly lost pregnancies without so much physical warning beforehand. I haven't had an early miscarriage since January 1999 but the memories are burned into my brain. I think this is already over. or inevitable judging by how much blood I have lost today. I think I wanted this one too badly. I wanted to be lucky. I wanted to be happy and shiny and different, with a new baby and a new life that doesn't depress me. I wanted to forget that I have never had a fluffy bunny pregnancy, ever. I know the bleeding and cramping is a terrible sign at such an early stage. I've been here before, over-investing in 'children' I will never know. I wish I didn't do that. I wish I was different. I wish I could do this properly. I wish my body worked.

I wish this baby is still ok.

I saw the heartbeat

I've had an alarming last 2 days. I had intermittent sharp stabbing pains on my right side since Monday evening and some spotting on Tuesday. I saw the GP on Monday when everything was still fine but when I started having awful abdominal pain, cramping and spott, well, what was I to think except that I am miscarrying. So first thing Wednesday morning I saw my Ob and she was immediately worried it was an ectopic pregnancy. Thankfully, she scanned me in her rooms and confirmed the pregnancy is in the uterus after all but referred me to authoritive ultrasound clinic to scan for reason for my pains. What I learnt is the pregnancy looks good for now (they monitored a strong, regular heartbeat) but I also have an enlarged (6cm) cyst on my right ovary (called a Corpus Luteum, which will shrink all by itself by a couple of months) causing the pains. apparently these cysts are nothing much to worry about when pregnant because they can sort of help sustain a pregnancy in the early weeks and months. I also learnt I have a heart shaped uterus [called Bicornuate Uterus. There's a picture of one here - Ultrasound Pictures and no this is not an image of me! It's just one I found googling]. I have always known my uterus was retroverted but never before had I been shown images of my uterus that actually looked heart-shaped. Nor has it ever been mentioned during all the hundereds of Ob, Gyny, Fertility Specialist appointments throughout my life. I am SO HAPPY this pregnancy has been confirmed as viable and normal size for dates (so far). I could not have handled having serious bad luck like an ectopic pregnancy. I was scared stiff worrying about what has happening to me. I'm still getting sporadic stabbing pains, especially when I sneeze or cough or have s*x. Today has been so hot. 38c (which is 100.4f). DH, DD and I wallowed in our local pool from 5 to 8pm. We took gourmet vegetarian pizzas and homemade lemonade along and soaked and feasted and all did the HAPPY DANCE together in the kiddy pool. I love the happiness of a brand new heartbeat :)

send hugs and kindness.

Please send Meri-ann @ Impatient Patient a little support as she has had her 4th pregnancy end in tragedy. Since Jan 05 she has lost twin girls, boy/girl twins, an early miscarriage and now this lastest loss.

And also please send support to Julie @ a little pregnant because her latest ART cycle has just been cancelled, abruptly ending her hope of ever having another child from her own eggs.

My thoughts are with them both this holiday season. The burden and pain of any kind of infertility is unbearable, unfathomable and bottomless. How I wish life were more gentle and fair.

My baby asprin questions

Yes, Kate, I think you are right about most people who are prescribed baby asprin should be taking it from conception. This is what keeps coming up in my research. But my Ob wants me to start taking it from when the placenta starts functioning completely (about 12 weeks). I am considering getting a 2nd opinion on this issue because the clotting problem is the one I am most nervous about because it's recurrent. My clotting disorder is called Antiphosph0lipid (Antib0dy) syndr0me and it is associated with 2nd and 3rd trimester losses, clots in the cord and placenta and cord and placental problems. My son's autopsy actually says Thrombosis. Many women are prescribed baby asprin for recurrent early miscarriage which would be a different problem.

My DD had an unusually short cord (11 inches) and it was wrapped around her neck and left shoulder and she ripped the placenta off the wall causing my placental abruption when she was trying to decend during birth. The baby heart monitor flat lined and I was given a caesarean 8 minute later (bumping another woman's c-section back in line, whilst I had the benefit of all her prep'd medico's there and waiting to go). It was the luckiest moment of my life. If I'd had to wait, little N would have certainly died. As it is, she went 8 minutes without the placenta being attached although the blood could still have been oxygenated.

I have been so focused on ttc and what could be preventing it happening, that I am somewhat unclear on the strategy to deal with trying to stay pregnant and manage my prgenancy issues. I am seeing my GP Dr on Monday afternoon, so I will have a few questions for her all ready to pop. I am not lined up to see my Ob until January. I'll see what the GP says about everything and see if she can refer my to someone who knows alot about Clotting disorders and Pregnancy loss.

On a lighter note, we're going to xmas drinks with old friends this afternoon in a large beer garden out the back of an old pub. It looks sunny and mild and 26C (78.8 F). These friends are expect baby #2 in May and had their 20 week ultrasound last Friday. They are definately smug fertiles but dear, sweet old friends none the same. (Actually all my friends are smug fertiles. I have never met anyone in real life who also had a stillbirth). I will NOT be making an announcement to them. I haven't told anyone except my DH and all you lot, and it will stay this way for some time I expect. so shoosh please!

{Oh and if anyone out there has taken baby asprin before, can you please share your experiences -good&bad- with me}

To answer Em's question about "how did it happen"

Em asked "How did it happen? Any treatments?" and all I can simply say is no treatments and the old fashioned way (and taking Metformin)! I have been seeing a Fertility Specialist at The Roy@l Wom@ns in a clinic focused on PCOS and fertility issues but the last 2 times I saw him (in Sept and Nov) when he was basically observing and counting my ovarian cysts he said he believed I needed the help of Clomid to conceive but would not put me on Clomid unless I lost 10 to 15 kg /22 to 33 pounds weight by Feb 07 because he felt I am too high-risk.

I joined Jenny Cr@ig in October and lost 9.6kg / 21 pounds so far. Yes, I have a weight problem. My starting weight was 105 kg / 231 pounds. MY Dr said I need to be under 90kg / 198 pounds to improve my fertility. At the moment I'm 95.4 kg / 210 pounds.

I was looking forward to trying Clomid because I didn't believe I'd fall pregnant this time without help because already 16 months had gone by without a BFP. My other pregnancies have all been due to s*x (and taking Metformin). After I lost my son in March 2005, I had a LLETZ procedure on my cervix to remove cancerous cells and after the obligatory time spent allowing that to heal have been ttc again. According to my ObGyn and my RE, the LLETZ can alter the cervical mucus making it much harder to conceive unassisted. I was excited to have Feb and 90kgs as my goal. I still have my appointment in Feb if this pregnancy goes South.

I am incredibly nervous about this pregnancy because I have a blood clotting disorder that causes clots to form in the placenta. I lost my son because clots travelled from the placenta through the cord and into his body causing Thrombosis. With my DD, I had placental abruption caused by clots that prevented the placenta attaching to the lining very well. I had a full abruption during labour followed by an emergency caesarean 8 minutes later, followed by 2 hours surgery to stitch me up. My Ob said she considered giving me a hysterectomy on the spot because the haemoraging was so bad. Little N needed to be in a Special Care NICU for a week because she breathed blood into her tiny lungs. She was born at 41 weeks so I think this helped her chances considerably. I will be taking baby asprin this time but apparently not before 10 - 12 weeks to try and reduce the clotting problems.

I had multiple very early miscarriages with my exhusband last decade (we split up in 2000). He had his own fertility problems and has not gone on to father children with his new partner (they have been ttc for 6 years). The men in his family all have fertility problems.

With my Darling Husband, all our issues appear to be mine. This is our 3rd pregnancy. The first was our daughter in 2003. The second was our son in 2005 and now this one.

I am terrifed this one will attach in my Ute lining where there is scarring from the placental abruption and not attach well enough and miscarry. I AM TERRIFIED. My symptoms are there but they wane. I am not sure how I will get through this. I don't think I'm a lucky person and I don't feel I've earned an easy ride this time. I feel needy and insecure and nervous and so unprepared for dealing with more possible problems and disappointments.


{and Kate, I can't seem to leave comments on your blog -blogger won't let me?}

the early ticker...

Thanks for all your positive comments. It warms me to know you're all out there. Now for my crazy lady admission. I know 5 weeks is much too soon to put a ticker up but I have always found other bloggers tickers such a good way to remember where they're up to and slowly mark off the days, weeks and months. Yes, I am terrified something will go wrong with this one and I'll have to take the ticker down in a miserable state. Yes, I am terrified I am jinxing things. I have such an awful Ob history of 2nd trimester problems, not to mention my Gyn issues (bad ovaries, bad cervix and scarred ute) . Yes, I am high-risk....But this time is a new blank slate and a fresh start and I am thinking positively for today. I'm going to try and push all my fear and anxiety way down in a deep, dark place and leave dealing with it for another day. Now it's just another 244 days to go! OMG!!!

double lines

after ttc for the last 16 months, now I finally have something to blog about... stay tuned for updates...

OK, lets try this again.

after having to ditch my first blog after intrusions from people on the outside, here I am again trying to figure out the big questions about my life, forsaken dreams, templates and blogger.